Choices, Part 3

In my last two entries, I talked about the difference between choice and selection, and how too much selection can actually make life harder for us. My premise for this third and last – for now anyway – entry is that true choice has nothing to do with selection.

Here’s what I mean by true choice. I wake up in the morning and have to go to work, even though I would rather stay home and write.

Well, no.

I don’t have to go to work. I choose to go to work because I want to get paid, and I don’t want to get fired. That’s just my first choice of the day. I don’t include what to have for breakfast or what to wear, because for most of us those are selections – picking one among many.

The next significant choice we make is how we are going to face the day. Will we choose to be happy? Many people believe that circumstances cause happiness or unhappiness, but that is a fallacy for normal day-to-day life. Abraham Lincoln said, “Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” He was right.

We choose how we are going to relate to today’s challenges. Will we choose the victim role? Or will we refuse to do that and meet challenges as ways to help us grow?

We also choose how aware we will be. Do we drift through life with our minds somewhere else? De we relive the past, stewing over what can’t be changed? Do we worry about a future that’s not yet here? Or, as many spiritual traditions teach us, do we choose rather to live in the present, noticing what is happening around us and rejoice in that?

Do we choose to grouse and complain or do we take the time to show gratitude for what we have? Do we choose to gossip about those around us – or the latest celebrity – or do we choose to look for the good in those we meet? Do we choose to eat what’s good for us? Do we choose to reduce the amount of natural resources we use?

True choice involves decisions that affect our quality of life, and not ours alone, but those around us, and sometimes even those who share this planet with us.

By the way, if you are interested in quotations about choice, you might want to go to:
http://www.quotelady.com/choices.html

Choices, part 2

Choices, Part 2

In America, we have a huge selection of things to choose among.

When we walk into the grocery story to buy bread, we are faced with an aisle full. Not only are there a dozen or more different brands, but we can select white, wheat, Italian, French, sourdough, oatmeal, seven grain, etc. The bread can come in the form of rolls, buns, round loaves, rectangle loaves, sliced bread, loaves we slice ourselves and on and on.

Want to buy peanut butter for your bread? We have Jif, Skippy, Peter Pan and other national brands, in addition to the store brand. You may opt for the more natural Adams, or shop at a store that has a machine to grind peanuts for you.

What about jelly? Or jam? Or preserves? What flavor do you want? Do you want seeds or not? Do you buy the kind that is only fruit or opt for the less expensive store brand?

This is madness!

My friend Shari, who is an anthropologist, tells me that in Norway, shoppers can choose regular or decaffeinated coffee. Period. One comes in one color bag, and the other in a different color. To many this lack of choice may seem like a strait jacket, but the Norwegians prefer it that way.

Consider this – if we didn’t spend so much time deciding on all manner of really inconsequential things, maybe we would have more time to spend on the really big choices, like life partner, or following our dreams – we might even have the time to sit down, listen to our hearts, and realize what our dreams are. And we might have the energy to do more in the evening than simply veg out in front of the TV.

Let’s put the unimportant in its place and begin to live our lives.

Choices

I’ve been thinking a lot about choice lately. Choice is one of those slippery concepts.

Sometimes we get it confused with the similar word, selection. Those who want to sell us things, present us with a selection. That is, they have chosen which products to sell, and we can then select from among them. People who manufacture items choose what they will make. Then we can select which we will buy. The only real choices we have most of the time are who to buy from (and even then there may be so little difference as to make the choice meaningless) or not to buy at all.

My library, as most now days, has an online library system. We did have a choice as to vendor, limited by what we could afford, I imagine, but now we have to take what the vendor gives us. In thirty seconds I could name half a dozen improvements and changes to the acquisition s subsystem, which I use in my day job.  For most of the things that would make my life easier, we don’t even get a selection, or if we do, we select what is best for our patrons, not worker bees like me. That’s not a complaint, by the way. It is right that we choose what works well for our patrons.

I do best when I have choices. I’m much happier when I can arrange my own work area and set my own agenda for what I get done any particular day. However, I am beginning to realize that all I really have are selections from a small group of tasks. In addition t that, time is controlled very strictly. I can work only a certain number of hours a day, and a certain number of hours a week. There is some, but very little, flexibility in when and where I work. It’s been growing gradually clearer to me that the only real choice I may have, maybe whether to continue to work there or not. I’m thinking hard about where my path will lead after I get my new book finished. I’m not quite sure how this is going to work out just yet.

Being Unpredictable

My library just got in a CD of the Smothers Brothers. For those of you too young to remember, Tom and Dick were a folksong/comedy duo in the 1960s and 1970s. Dick was the straight man, and Tom was the one bringing in the wackiness. I was a big fan when I was younger, and it was good to hear their brand of silliness again.

On one track, Dick was singing “I Talk to the Trees” from Paint Your Wagon. The song goes, “I talk to the trees, but they never listen to me. I talk to the stars but they never hear me.” Tom usually breaks in shortly thereafter, remarking what a silly song it is. After all, why would anyone expect a tree to answer? “Hi stage,” he ends up saying. “You used to be a tree, right?”

There were two tracks of this song on the CD. On the second one, Dick got a few bars in, hesitated, and then said to Tom, “You didn’t come in.” Tom protested that he wasn’t supposed to come in. Dick replied, “I know, but you always interrupt me. Five years we’ve been doing this song, and you always interrupt me. I never finish the song.” Tom’s reaction? A laugh and “My brother never learned the whole song!”

I’ve been thinking about being too predictable, too reliable lately. With responsibilities at work, responsibilities at church, and the writing I do, I have to keep a fairly strict schedule. But I’m starting to feel that I am becoming stuck in the rut of my to-do list. I’m becoming just a little too predicable. I’m not sure I want to be known as dependable old Karen – at least not so much so that everybody takes for granted that I will always be there, always say yes, always do what’s expected. I want to stop being Dick, and be Tom instead – unpredictable and silly, free from my rut, at least for a little while.

Since I consider chocolate one of the four major food groups, let me close with a synopsis of another of the Smothers Brothers routines.

Tom sings, “I fell into a vat of chocolate. I just fell into a vat of chocolate.” Dick sings back, “What did you do when you fell into the chocolate?” After a little more banter back and forth, Tom declares, “I yelled fire when I fell into the chocolate.” “Why did you yell fire? There was no fire.” “I yelled fire because no one would save me if I yelled ‘Chocolate!‘”

May your life be filled with just the right amount of silliness.

Self-Esteem, part 4

Self-Esteem, part 4

The last thing (for now) that I want to talk about regarding self-esteem may seem odd. The word is forgiveness.

I once worked at a very toxic place – not physically toxic, but emotionally so. To describe a complex situation simply, I had stepped on the toes of a coworker – through ignorance, not malice – who then proceeded to spread poison about me all through the organization. I was not the first person she had done this to – nor the last – but she was very thorough in my case. People were afraid to do anything to cross her. I refused to play that game and ended up being treated like dirt by everyone. Do I sound like I was playing the victim role? You bet.

I finally left that place, pretty damaged emotionally. I tried to forgive them, because as a Christian I knew I was supposed to. Still every time I thought about those people, I got angry all over again. This is a truth about forgiveness – it often must be done more than once. It is not easy!

Then I heard a speaker say something that clicked with me, and I was able to really forgive those who had hurt me. Now when I think of that time I am sad, not angry.

What surprised me though, is that only after I forgave them was I able to understand how I had contributed to the problem, how I had widened the rift, and the things I had done that hadn’t helped the situation. I had to ask for forgiveness for myself as well.

Getting out from under those negative emotions freed me in so many ways. It freed me from the victim role. It freed me to grow into my true self. It freed me to look at reality clearly, not through the lens of self-pity or anger. I know myself much better now. I am gentler with other people now. In short, my self-esteem is stronger and less likely to be damaged by other people’s opinions of me.

Forgiveness is a key that can unlock a prison cell. Don’t let other people hold you captive by their opinion of your worth. Forgive them, and move on. Only then can you truly blossom into the beautiful person you are meant to be.

Self-Esteem, part 3

One of the most important contributions to self-esteem is to remember that we always have a choice.

It’s much easier to be a victim, to be able to blame our current unhappiness on somebody else. Being the victim has certain advantages. Particularly, the victim can feel morally superior to the person doing the hurting. When you are being unfairly treated, you have the moral high ground. “She said those terrible things about me.” “The sales clerk didn’t smile, so I walked out of the store.” “The policeman stopped me just because I was [blank]. Why wasn’t he chasing real criminals instead of picking on a law-abiding citizen like me?”

Instead of taking all these things personally, we need to take a step back. Perhaps she said something that came out differently then she expected. Or perhaps she did speak to hurt you. Perhaps someone just yelled at her and she lashed out because of that. Perhaps she doesn’t know any better way to act. Do you want someone like that telling you how to feel? Much better to realize it is her problem, and not take the hurtful comment to yourself. Much better to assume the sales clerk is tired, or is having a bad day, than that she didn’t like you. Better to believe the policeman was just doing his job.

Don’t let others’ actions influence your self-esteem. Don’t willingly take on the role of victim. You are a beautiful person. You know it (or you should!), your friends know it, and God knows it. If there is something you need to change in your life, change it. Get professional help if you need it from a counselor or member of the clergy.

True we can all act badly, and true there are always things we can do better. The choice to lash out, to take things personally, to treat others with the respect we want from them – we have the power to do any of the above. Make the choice that enhances your humanity – and the other person’s as well.

More soon.

Self-Esteem, part 2

There are other ways we define ourselves besides our relationships and our jobs. One of these is defining ourselves by our pasts.

I had a friend who had been told all her life she was stupid. If you went back and looked at her report cards, they were average, but she had absorbed what she had been told. It took a lot of hard talking by myself and others to get her to attempt to go to college at 43, but once she did, she made it through not only college, but grad school, and became a teacher, her dream since childhood. What artificial limitations do you believe about yourself? What’s stopping you from living your dreams?

I was overweight as a child and a teenager, and for years I thought of myself as fat even when that stopped being true. I allowed that and the fact that I am an introvert, to hold me back from fully participating in things. We need to develop a strong enough self-image to allow us to live life without the fear of rejection making us timid.

Last for this time, there may be something truly horrible in your past – child abuse, serious illness, neglect, drug abuse, or any number of traumatic things. Again, defining yourself by the past – whether good or bad – leaches the present of its power and promise. Try to begin to think of yourself, not as a victim, but as a survivor. Be a cancer survivor. Be an abuse survivor. We don’t always have a choice in what happens to us. But we always have a choice in how we remember the past. Tell yourself a new story about what has happened to you. You are a survivor. You are a worthwhile person. Believe it!

Self-Esteem, part 1

I’ve been thinking a lot about self-esteem lately as part of a potential workshop a friend and I are putting together.

There are several ways to look at this. First, we must be careful how we define ourselves. Women in particular define themselves by their relationships. A woman is likely to think of herself as someone’s wife, someone’s mother, someone’s child. Men and women on the career ladder, are more likely to define self by profession, such as, I am a librarian or I am a partner in a law firm. The problem with defining ourselves by outside things (Eckhart Tolle calls them “forms.”) is that these things change. We can lose our relationships through death, divorce, or other ways. If you only think of yourself as Tom’s wife, what do you do when Tom leaves? If your sense of self-esteem is tied up in being a lawyer, what happens when your firm goes through a hard patch and lays you off, or you retire?

So who are you when you aren’t a wife or a mother? Who are you when you aren’t practicing law?

One way to look for the answer to this is to remember what you liked to do as a child. What were your dreams as a teenager? Reach back into your past; reach inside and discover who you are under the externals. If you don’t know who you yourself are, the ups and downs of life can swamp you and leave you floundering.

More on this in a day or two.

Long Live the Weeds

I was at a writing workshop today. When the instructor gave us free writing time, I put together some thoughts in reaction to a poem by Theodore Roethke, called “Long Live the Weeds.” (You can read the whole poem at http://home.comcast.net/~innaleo/Perevody/roethke_orig.html)

“Long Live the Weeds” really resonated with me. When I moved into my mobile five years ago, the gardens were a mess. They got worse as my time was spent moving in, and other necessary things. The day I went out with a couple of friends to finally get all those weeds pulled, was amazing. It felt so good to tackle a big, but uncomplicated job. No thinking, no planning – you just grabbed hold of a weed and pulled. Afterwards, after the pulling, after the hauling away, the garden looked fresh and new.

I have also pulled weeds in my own life – old situations not forgiven, old habits that were unhelpful, old beliefs that no longer served – all sorts of things. Sometimes it was hard, like the ground cover that comes back year after year, even though I’m always convinced I finally got it all this time, but it feels so good when it’s gone again. Some things had deep roots and it took a long time to dig them out. Some pulled out so easily I couldn’t figure out why I had left them there for so long.

Thank goodness for those weeds, though. Not only did they give me something to work at, a way to improve, but my life is so much freer and more open now, open in a way I never would have realized without that work. One more benefit – weeds have made me vigilant. In my physical garden, I grab those weeds as soon as their little heads peek out of the soil. I hope in my spiritual garden I am doing better attacking those things that bring me down as well. It is good physical and spiritual exercise to do this regularly and helps keep me on my toes. Yes, I do appreciate those weeds in my life, even those that keep coming back. It is definitely worth the struggle.

Earth Day, 2008

Earth Day, 2008
by Karen L. Oberst

I recently heard of a bumper sticker that said, “Save the Earth. It’s the only planet with chocolate.” Since I consider chocolate to be one of the four major food groups, this is a sentiment I heartily endorse.

On this Earth Day 2008, there are many more serious reasons to save the earth. They range from the practical – this is the only home we have – to the philosophical – we are all made of the clay of the earth, and to it we return. Without the earth there would be no us. Our human race developed on this particular dirt ball in space in this particular solar system, at this particular time. Our fate and the earth’s are intertwined.

For me, however, a citizen of the United States of American, there is an even more compelling reason. We of the developed countries have poisoned the land and rivers, pumped carbon dioxide into the air, and generally done as we pleased in the name of progress. Yet it’s our less fortunate brothers and sisters who are paying the price for this in submerged farmlands, desertification, famine, disease, and death. The poor always pay for the luxuries of the wealthy. And most of us are wealthy compared to the rest of the world where so many subsist on a dollar a day.

So think when you turn that water on. Think when you turn your heat up or your air conditioning on. Think when you see that factory belching smoke into the air. Give some thought to our mother the earth, and our brothers and sisters who share this precious blue sphere with us. And the chocolate.